Everyone is an "expert" on parenting until their children become teenagers, then they are pretty much in for a few surprises.

The goal should not be to have children who are obedient and do the right things, but to have children who WANT to be obedient and do the right things.

Howard Glasser's "Transforming the Difficult Child" gives really great ideas for working with children, including the following:

  1. We are our kids toys, their object is to get energy out of us. -- Somos juguetes de nuestros hijos. Su objeto es de vernos exponer energía.
  2. If they cannot get energy out of us in positive ways they WILL find a way to do it in negative ways. -- Si no pueden sacar energía de nosotros en maneras positivas entonces SÍ LO HARÁN de maneras negativas.
  3. Putting energy into solving problems is often like pouring gasoline on a fire. -- Emplear energía en resolver problemas muchas veces es como echar gasolina a un fuego.
  4. To avoid this vicious cycle put energy into positive reinforcement. -- Para evitar este cíclo emplee energía en resforzar lo positivo.
  5. When they train Shamu, the killer whale, they start with the rope at the bottom of the pool! If you are working with a really difficult child you must be creative to find some way of accusing them of doing well. -- ¡Al entrenar Shamu, los ballenas de Sea World, empiezan con la soga en el fondo de la piscina! Si obras con un joven dificultoso debes ponerte creativo para encontrar manera de acusarle de hacer el bien.
  6. Rules should be clear, there should be no warnings, consequences should be swift, simple and expected: "Whoops, broke a rule -- consequence!" -- Reglas deben ser claros, no debe usar advertencias, consecuencias deben ser rápidas, sencillas y esperadas: "Epa! Quebraste regla -- consecuencia!".
  7. Consequences should not be watered down with lectures, explanations, etc. (these are forms of reinforcement). Adding energy to problems, is like pouring gas on a fire). -- Consecuencias no deben ser menguadas con lecturas, expicaciones, etc. (formas de resfuerzo). Añadir energía a problemas es como echar gasolina a un fuego.
  8. Most consequences are a form of "time out". That is fine. However, remember that a "time out" is meaningless, if there is no "time in". (How would you like to play a game of basketball where there was a cover over your basket)? -- La mayoría de consecuencias son una forma de "tiempo fuera del juego". Esto no es malo. Pero, recuerda que un "tiempo fuera del juego" no es consecuencia para uno que no está en el juego de todos modos. (¿Como te gustaría jugar un juego de basketbol si había cubierta arriba de tu gol?)
  9. One way to show positive energy and give positive reinforcement is simply to describe what you see your child doing: "You are coloring a nice picture there", "You stopped crying all on your own", etc. -- Manera sencilla de mostrar energía positiva y dar refuerzo positivo es de sencillamente describir lo que ve hacer su niño: "Pintas una pintura buena", "Dejaste de llorar tu solo", etc.

It only takes a few minutes per day per child, not your constant attention. -- Solo cuesta unos pocos minutos cada día con cada hijo, no tu completa atención.

My wife and I attended a parenting class in the Fall of 2000 that included the following ideas:

Someone commented that it sounds like the class is teaching from Madeline Swift's book, "Discipline for Life".

The Empowering Parents class on October 11 was our 6th class. It mostly covered Consequences vs. punishment and teaching responsibility.

Natural Consequences:

These are the experiences that follow naturally, without parental intervention, from what the child chooses. An example is running out of gas, if you fail to fill the tank. Natural consequences are particularly effective, for teaching, because the parent can be a sympathetic third party, rather than disciplinarian.

Parents should avoid two temptations:

  1. To rescue
  2. To lecture and say I told you so.

Natural consequences should not be relied on to teach when they are --

  1. Catastrophic
  2. Too far in the future
  3. Affect someone other than the child.

Logical Consequences:

These are results that the parent chooses to teach the child. An example is removing the privilege to use the car for one week when the child forgets to put gas in mother's car.

Logical consequences are logically related to the misbehavior, are intended to teach responsibility, are administered in a firm and friendly manner. The three R's of logical consequences are -

Here are come guidelines for using logical consequences:

Logical consequences are based in reality. Logical consequences say, "Hey, you did something that wasn't too cool; this is how the cookie's going to crumble as a result". They are based on trust and good faith. Logical consequences are things like paying for your own damage, reduced freedom, and reduced choices.

Sometimes it is tricky to come up with a logical consequence. You may have difficulty finding a direct result of the action. Let's say a child is being rude, sullen or abuse to the parents. Well, in the "real world", you'd find that people don't like to be around jerks. A logical consequence might be for the child to find that the family decides to go to the park without them. But, it is made clear to the child that when they resume being pleasant, you'll enjoy their company again.

Finding logical consequences challenges the creativity of the parent and child together, but teach responsibility and cooperation and prepare the child for adult life.

Problem Solving:

  1. Present the problem. "We are having a problem with ------, let's try to find something we can both live with to solve it. Are you willing to do that?"
  2. Look for agreements that lead to solutions. At every point, parents should look for agreement.
  3. Gather information about the perceptions of everyone concerned. Mom, "The other day when ----------- happened, what were your thoughts and feelings about doing your responsibility?"
  4. Stick to the issues and listen for thoughts and feelings. Do not use sarcasm. Do not lecture. Do not tell them how it is for you until they really feel heard and understood.
  5. Keeping asking if there is anything else?
  6. Reflect your understanding. The child feels more loved when he is listened to and taken seriously than being told he is loved.
  7. Ask your child if they are willing to listen to your perceptions and feelings. Share your perceptions and feelings.
  8. Ask your child to reflect their understanding of your perceptions and feelings.
  9. Brainstorm solutions together.
  10. Agree on a solution.
  11. Set a date for reevaluation.
  12. Follow through. Do not nag, coax or punish. Say, "please keep our agreement". "Remember our agreement is ----------". #Keep your part of the agreement.

Follow Through:

Steps of follow though:

  1. Have a friendly discussion where everyone gets to voice his/her feelings and thoughts about the issue.
  2. Brainstorm for possible solutions and choose one that both the adult and child can agree on.
  3. Agree on a specific time deadline (to the minute).
  4. Know that the deadline probably won't be met the first time and simply follow through with your part of the agreement by holding the child accountable.

Four traps that defeat follow through:

  1. Wanting the child to have the same priorities you have.
  2. Criticizing, judging, and name calling instead of focusing on the task or issue.
  3. Not getting agreements with specific time deadlines in advance.
  4. Not maintaining dignity and respect for the teen and self.

Four hints for effective follow though:

  1. Keep comments simple, concise and friendly. "I noticed you didn't -------, please do it now."
  2. In response to objections ask, "What was our agreement?"
  3. In response to further objections, shut your mouth and use nonverbal communication. (Point to your watch after every argument. Smile knowingly. Give a hug and point to your watch again).
  4. When your teen concedes, even with great annoyance, say, "Thank you for keeping our agreement."

If follow through does not work, there are probably deeper issues that need to be addressed such as a power struggle or revenge seeking.

=============== A Problem Solving Worksheet ===================

Part One - Present the Problem and Find a Solution:
------- 1. Present the problem to the child or to the family.
------- 2. Look for agreements each step of the way.
------- 3. Gather information on each other's thoughts and feelings.
------- 4. Check to make sure there is nothing more.
------- 5. Reflect your understanding of each other's point of view.
------- 6. Brainstorm solutions - write them down:
.
.
.
.
.
------- 7. Agree on a solution.

Part Two - Follow Through
------ 1. Keep comments simple concise and friendly.
------ 2. Remind the child of the agreement.
------ 3. Do not nag or lecture.
------ 4. Thank the other person for keeping their agreement even if they have a bad attitude about doing so.

============ Parents Helping Parents =================

We talked about a problem with a boy in a split family. The boy spends alternating weeks with the mother and the father. When the boy is with the father he brings his homework home and does it. When he is with his mother, he does not.

The suggestions ranged from trying to get the school to do something different, to making agreements with the boy, to visiting with the mother, etc. The man chose to visit with the mother.

========== A Tidbit from the book Positive Discipline, by Jane Nelson, Ed.D. =========

In chapter three of the book, Dr. Nelson reviews the significance of birth order. Here is a quote:

"It seems more logical for children to have similarities because they come from the same family than because they share the same position in birth order, but the opposite is true. Children in the same family are often extremely different, even though they have the same parents, the same home, and the same neighborhood. Of course, the environment cannot be totally the same for children in the same family, but the factor that makes the biggest contribution to differences within families is the interpretation each child gives to the environment he or she lives in. Most interpretations are based on how children compare themselves with their siblings."

The author notes that there are exceptions and she discusses some of the factors in creating these exceptions. Here is another quote that explains one of these factors, one the parents have control over:

"Another factor that accounts for exceptions to the general rule is the family atmosphere. This can either increase or decrease differences. In families where competition is valued and modeled (as in many American families), differences will be increased. In families where cooperation is valued and modeled, differences will be decreased".

She states that where parents are very loving and cooperative with each other and agree on child rearing techniques the children tend away from competition and extremes in personality toward cooperation and similarities.

The author makes an interesting point about encouragement stating, "Just letting another person know that you can see, understand, and respect his or her point of view is one of the most encouraging things you can do".

The author discusses the ramifications of people of various birth orders becoming spouses and talks about why they are attracted to each other. She states that the very thing that attracts often becomes a source of irritation later. Here is a quote that explains a good way to handle irritations in marriage, "All combinations can be successful with understanding, mutual respect, cooperation, and a good sense of humor."

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